down 2 pounds wooot!

so i had the worst binge last night, or all day yesturday. i could not stop thinking about it last night, and i knew it was one of those binges where you know you WILLLL NOOOTTTTTT magically lose a pound by binging. so i went downstairs after my parents went to sleep and went on the eliptical trainer for 3 hours. i burt around 1500 calories. it felt SOOOOO good. im deffinietly going to work out for two hours today, probablly around noon because i dont have school today :)

nothing else is going on, my stomach is blowing up with gas and im so bloated blaaahhhh.
im going back to sleep . love you alllll

awakening.

ive beeen sooo busy lately. its crazy, 3 hour sleep nights, shit loads of homework, unnessisarry dramaaaa, of yeah, and binging. like allll of that is over now, and its time to starrrrrrrrrvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. i so miss that empty, lite, strong feeeling.

i jsut worked out and burned 602 caloriesss and hopefulllly will lose some over night.
-i made a promis to myself today. i promis to be the skinniest girl in my school. skinnier then everyone. i want to look so skinny it makes some people gag. i want the teachers to awe in amazment and disgust, and run to the counselor to help me. the counselor wont do shit. i dont need help. i will be perfect. i will be the skinniest girl in school. i swear to it.
i mean, im not happy at all at school. i hate everyone. i have a lot of friends, but behind our "friendship" everyone thinks im a fucking slut. which im not. at all. and guys just talk to me to get in my pants. its so fucking annoying. none of them know how to have a compasionate relationship. thats all i want. fuck it.

im too mad to type right nowww, but all i can think about it walking into school, in that fucking little ugly kilt they make us wear everyday, with the blue sweater that reads (the albany academies), the white polo button downs, and the sperry topsiders, and watching people just stare. at. me.

endooooorphines like wowowwwwwwww.

so all i had to eat today was one egg scrambled. thats it. no milk with it, just some pepper to add some spice. so thats what, 72 cals?! and i just burned 534! i hope im down a pound or two tomorrrow. lets hope for ittttt. so how is everyone? i hope well.

im reading wintergirls= AMAZING.
its so good i can never put it down. i was reading it durring commercials today while i was on the tredmill. so hard to read while running but whatever.

i wonder what im going to eat tomorrow, sorry i mean, i wonder if im going to eat tomorrow. i always try to plan things out. but it never works. everytime i plan to eat something a head of time. i freak and dont eat. and sometime when i fall into this horrible binge state, its like im in heaven. BUT only for one second, then its back to the guilt and resentment that we all feel one time in our lives.
but i talk about that shit all the time. so i was thinking today that i am so happpy that i have my angels on SOTO and my amazing 'commentors' if you will, to comment me. hah i try my best to comment back. and WHITNEY. for some reason, it like wont let me see your blog (if you have one.) but you seem so sweet and weve talked on SOTO, so i would love to follow your blog!
i think these girls are absolutely gorgeous, and i am going to look like that someday i swear.
and i would like to thank Alyssa because not only has she been there for me on soto, but also i feel like i can really relate to you. like your 2 years older but stilll. thank yooouuuu girllllsssss
that stuff sounds sappppy but i really mean it. hahaha

so im back on my travel tennis team, i cant wait, i love all the girls! and tennis acctaully burns so many calories people think of it as a wimpy sport. i hate that, like i dont know its dummmb.

love you all lots!

FAST, binge, FAST, binge, FAST, binge WTF.

WHO HATES WHEN THEY BINGE AFTER AN AMAZING FAST AND GAIN IT ALL BACK!? i do.

i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it so much. it makes me so mad! like i starved for 24 hours and got NO WHERE. its so depressing. im doing a school project on anorexia (thats what i got assigned. hmm, ironic?). its kind of awkward because my teacher said "you can just tell us about your experiances!" cool, what am i some science experiment? like noooo.

so today i was doing great, thinking day 2 of fasting lets go! then i went to lunch because my friend draggged me there, i just wanted to stay in the library and read my book and finish unfinished homework. and it was noddles with cheese. i mean, who doesnt like cheese and noodles?! i was so depressed while/after eating it. but i ate all of it and had an orange and bread! ughhhhhh but at the same time i like couldnt stop eating :( i feel so low and worthless. fuck it. i want to be skinny and i will be skinny. i will lose the weight and be double digits. i will complete this and survive.

FaStTiNggggg!

im fasting today! ive only had gum and i tinsy tinsy (no joke like tiny) peice of chicken. because im at my friends house for dinner. blah. and they like forced me to eat. its so annoying. but i feel so lite i loveeee it. that empty feeling. where you can almost feel the weight shedding off. i feel like when im fasting, im so tired and weak. but at the same time so alive and just like the overly tired feeling that feels so hyper at the same time.

SOOOO i was thinking today that i love the people who comment these. lol so thanks :)

i cant wait for summmer! bikini bod will look sooo hot.i cant wait to tan and be sooo skinnny it seems like il never be thin but i cant wait.

this is a short blog but im so tired.
love everyone!

sudden urge. weirrrdddd.

I cAn NoT wAiTtttTTttttt until i reach my goal weight. its completely out there. like double digits and alllllll. the thinspo is crazy good and i can never get enough, but who can?

sosososoooo i read skinnny bitch starting yesturday and i finished today. it was like my 30th time reading it. i could very strongly recomend it.

i satarted wondering how long im going to have to do this anorexia deal. i mean, it just came to me and i wonder if this disease that i hate. will ever leave. iiiii think i have bipolar because up above i was blabbing about how i "cant wait to lost 20 pounds!" like wtf. youre messed up ash. its whaterverrr.
tomorrow i go back to school, i just had like 2 weeks off and im dreading this. the only good thing to having school is i dont have to eat until my mom picks me up which is at likeeee 6. and by the time i get home its like 7. i hate that drive from albany to saratoga. but my school is so fucking competitive. like an all girls private school. but i do have classes with the guys academy side accross the street so thank fucking god i know a lot of guys because all of the girls have ana or mia but they will NEVER admit to it. its fucking messed up. the cafetirea is always empty, except for like the little kids that dont know anybetter.
i read in skinny bitch that diet sodas that have aspartame in it, causes cancer, soooo many (92) other sideeffects. but ONE REALLY CAUGHT MY EYE. it causes weight gain. i will deffinetly be cutting back on the coke zero. fuck that shit was my liffeeeee.





georgousssssssssssssssss<3

back to reality wooooh!

yay second day of blogging straight. lol im going to post every day though. it can just be a simple sentence saying "hi im blogging." and be done. blogging just lets me like let all lose and get all of the shit im thinking out of me. i lovovoveeeee it.

SO today, i just woke up. im such a sluggggggg. but my mom made me a waffle. like wtf. so i ate half of it with no syrup or butter. just plain. and it was a really thin one soooo i dont think it will do too much damage. im going downtown today with my friend morgan, we used to date but he was too much brother like for me and i messed it up anyways and did some bad dammage but im so gratefullll that were friends:) so yeah, were going downtown and i think il get a latte and be done for the day. i mean theyre like 10 cals right?

sosososooo i think both of my parents are becoming ANAAA!!!!! thats good in a good way. but bad in a bad way! my parents are connnnsstantly looking at food labels and they legit give me portions for a bird. like noooo. they dont no about me being ana yet but still your old, like eat. and as we speak theyre in the kitchen looking up ways to lose weight faster! theyre like the thinnnnest most fit parents ive met!?!?! so weird.

i hope "everyone" is welll.. haha im off to play tennis with my dad in a bit, maybe go tanning later and sleeeeeep.

sooooo long like woowww.

i really, reallllly doubt that anyone will ever in their right minds read this. but here it goes.

hey guys, i havent blogged in like ever so i felt like i was sinking back. and i needed this. im baaccckkkk. and this blog is bassically my diary where i ramble and whatnot.

im still fat. wo0twoooo00000t! no like fuck my life.

so i have a lot to catch up on with absolutly NO one to read this coool.

1) my ana's gotten worse, BUT i have more suppport thanks to SOTO:)

2) my new school is sick and im so happpy at academy.

3) my boyfriend and i broke up at snowballll yay...

4)my grades are sucky. awesome.

5) my weight has gone down a few pounds and im happpy.

On a new note, i hope "everyone" is doing well, and it makes me feel like i have people that can acctaully relate to me when i act like th

at. its retarted but whatever. ive started a new "diet" if you will, and im starting monday i hope it works!

<---- nicole richie aka my idollll:)i LOVEEEEEE her. i read her boook "the truth about diamonds" and i loved itttttt. i hope some others read it! shes sooo skinny and pretty.>

Fail

Today I did my regular routine with tennis, driving home, and working out. I was doing great, until I found myself being so hungry I almost fainted. My mom started panicking and pulled into the Boston Market and bought some food and force fed it down. I felt like i needed to barf after that. I went into the bathroom and tried purging, but my gag reflexes are scarce. It fucking sucks. After failing miserably, I tried working some of it off with jump-roping, who knows how much i gained. I just hope that I don't almost anything the rest of the night. And all I know is that I have a goal, and i better meet it.

You wanna look like this?  Then suck it up.

Apple Crisp

Today, I woke up thinking "todays a new day, lets starve." Instead, I walked downstairs to a cinnimon bagel calling for me on my plate. My mom said "eat, tennis is going to be intense today." Failingly, I fucking ate it. I worked my heart out at tennis for two hours and then got a ride home. That family was a little on the bigger side, so they decided to stop at Dunkin Donuts. Fuck. They all got donuts and insisted that I get something, I got a flat bread sandwich and chowd it down thinking I could just throw it up later. Never happend. They dropped me off and I told myself that I had to work it all off. "theres no way i'm letting that fast food junk sit in my stomach for the day." I'm now at the YMCA and i just ran 2 miles and did my normal weight rutine. I feel great, and I thought to myself that while my motabolism was skyrocketting, why not eat an engerybar to keep me on the healthy, vitamin side. I'll try and eat only tiny bits of food until tomarow, but for now im munching on a 70 calorie Apple Crisp bar.



Thinsparation for the day.
IDOLIZE IT.

A fresh start

The only real reason I started this blog was because I need somewhere safe to spill my problems/thoughts about myself and my eating "problems." At my Nike Tennis Camp I finally realized how fat I am. To my conclusion, I'm going to restrict my eating, and loose 15 pounds before Thanksgiving. At camp, I didn't eat or drink for 3 days and was very proud, until the counselors figured this out and I woke up on my dorm room with my friends not knowing where I was. This might be a long and frightful journey, but I'm all for it. I'm going to post here everyday with my accomplishments/downfalls and keep a food diary.

anyways,

WHAT YOU WANT.

THATS REAL FOOD.