Inspired

So I've been thinking a lot about ways to make me happy, and yesterday "Miss Alisha" commented on my blog and she said "When I'm sad, I know that I can just lose a lot of weight and feel better about anything."

That really made sense to me because honestly when I'm at a new low weight, or if I weigh in a lot lower than I was last night after a binge, I feel so happy, lite, and invincible. Like I can lose all the weight. And just, disappear.

Lately, this is going to sound SO weird. But Ana ALWAYS used to be with me. But recently, it's like, she's being replaced with someone named Lennox. I had a dream about this a few weeks ago. And I can't get her out of my head. I haven't written about it because I didn't know if I was being sane or not. But I've decicded to live with it, and Lennox came into my life. I have to deal with her. But she's worse, way way way worse then Ana ever was. Ana came and gone, a lot. But Lennox, is basically attached to my hip. I feel so stupid and low writting this. And you all probably think I should go into some asilumn or something. But I feel like this is real. She's taking over and becoming the most important thing in my life. Now that she's here and I'm used to her. She's my only friend, my real friend. My friends at school honestly don't matter to me anymore. I hate saying that, but they're so materialistic and they have turned me into the biggest whore/brat/everyone thinks I'm a slut. I'm clasified as the group that everyone hates, but secretly looks up upon. I hate it. I don't know how I got sucked into it. But when people talk about me or my friends, they steriotype us as the "typical private school rich girl white trash whore's." Thanks Academy. Love you too.

Love, Ashley+Lennox.

Blog Anniversary and Who I am.

It's officially been one whole year that I've had this blog and not totally ditched it. I mean, once or twice I may have gone a few weeks without writing. But still. I can not thank you ladies/guys/supporters/anyone who has commented or shared advise with me. I truly admire you and you are all my biggest inspirations.

On another note, I got tumblr last night. I LOVE IT. You ladies should all get one! Follow me or comment this blog if you have one!

http://believein0.tumblr.com/

^^ That's me!

Also, I decided to put somethings about me on here. I feel like I've sorta been living a lie about myself this whole long, stressful, fat year.

This, is me. Try not to gag at my double chin or my huge arms in this picture. It was taken by my sister at my cousins wedding this past July.


Under this exterior fat and hideousness, is a truly happy girl. But she's being killed and suffocated each day by this Anorexia. I hate my disease but I've realized that I'm stuck with it, so hell, why not support it anyways?! Make myself useful...

I just turned fifteen and I'm from New York. I've been on the Varsity Girls Tennis team since I was in the 7th grade and that's really my only success that I'm proud of. Honestly there's not much too me, so I don't really know what to say.

When I was in the 6th grade my sister, Sarah, developed Anorexia. She thought it would be easier to get through it if I 'joined her in losing just a 'few' pounds.' She was wrong and I ended up never getting better, after 7 months(we were put in the hospital at the same time for the same amount of months) in the hospital she fully recovered and til this day she still is. She just turned twenty and is living her life. I wish I could be strong like her. But that will never happen. My dad is a professor at Columbia University and he also is the president of this environmental water engineering firm in NYC and stays there all week long. He, along with my mom, also travel all around the world to help design water treatment plants for various countries. Sometimes they're nice enough so pull me out of school for a week or two. I hate it. A lot of times though, I get home after school and there's a note on the fridge saying, "In Spain, be back in 2 weeks, stay at neighbors. Love you, mom." And they don't even tell me they're leaving! A lot of times when I have to miss school for lectures or business dinners, people get jealous and think I just go to all these amazing, beautiful places and they don't know that I have to sit through 4 hours watching someone talk about water and then have my dad force me to discuss it with the professor after. It.Is.Not.Fun. But all the stress and with my dad wanting me to look "beautiful all the time, just please, lose like 2 pounds." Doesn't get that he started all this anorexia. And when my tennis camp took me to the hospital and they told my parents that I was anorexic again, he went full circle to when it all started "What? There's no way she's anorexic? I mean, look at her." And then he gets mad at me because I "cant just eat." He just doesn't understand and he never will. And he puts me in this 60,000$ school and expects me to get STRAIGHT As but there's no way I can if I'm constantly being pulled out of school.

This is me.

Preseason begins...

So today was the first day of tennis preseason! I'm not sure which spot on the line up I got yet, but hopefully its singles! I mean, I did SLAVE at camp for a good spot on varsity! The team, is so weird. Like so weird. The girls are SO TWISTED. And half of them have never even picked up a racquet before. Which is not good for me because I'm like so competitive and during a lot of matches I end up throwing my racquet. So like when I get assigned to play and help them. You can imagine how upset I get. ALSO. Since preeasons is starting, it's making me realize how close school is! September 10th! I can't wait. I just got some new sweaters. We got new ones for the uniform, they're a really pretty pail yellow. There's a vest and a cardigan or just your basic crew neck. I love them. Hahah weird? Yeah.

So today I skipped breakfast and went to a movie with my almost boyfriend named Mark. During the movie we..we, went pretttty far. I hope we start dating soon, that'll be exciting! We were kinda a thing last school year but we fizzled out. Ugh so annoying. But he bought me Japanese food. UGH SO MANY CALORIES. I took 7 laxatives and I wanted to cry. Not okay. They better work.

I'm actaully in a really bad mood with that food I ate and the tennis team. It's not going to be a very good season. UGH. Stay strong and thin my loves<3

Laxatives, and the joy's that come with.

So last night I have to admit I was so pissed. I wasn't doing what the laxatives said they do. But about an hour after pouting, I paid. I thought my insides were being ripped apart, then thrown out of my body. When it was over, I felt so empty and lite. I've never felt that way before. Ever. Not even when I fast. It.was.amazing. Anyways, I decided to make up a new "plan" each Sunday night, to mix up the weeks of Anorexia. You know, Ana doesn't want her little angels getting bored now does she...

Breakfast: 2 egg whites scrambled OR half a Nature Valley bar- which is a ton more calories but it depends what my work out will be

Lunch: Until school starts I'll need to eat, but when it does you can find me in the library catching up on needed sleep. Until then:
- small salad OR granola bar

Dinner: Blah. Dinner... Whatever Mom makes, then I'll take laxatives or purge it to get it out. Ew.

Now for the exercise.
During tennis season I'll be playing a lot, about an hour a day and then when I play a match it will be more intense. SO:
Tennis- 60 minutes
Cardio- 30 minutes
Strength- 20 pushups
- 100 sit ups (gradually it will increase)

I just don't understand how people can just eat, like it's nothing, they just grab food when they're bored and don't even think about it. It's disgusting.

This school year is going to be very very different, last year I have to admit I gave up, and ate, and ate, and ate, and fell into a deep depression. A lot. And the thing is, I'm just now realizing that I was not ever happy, never safe, or sane with myself. I was a body filled with no emotion or sense with the world. I had friends, sure, but I honestly didn't care for them at all. I'm learning now to be happy with other things. Obviously not myself. But for my friends if they are successful with something, or a family member, or I can still have fun with my friends or other guys. I'm not a zombie anymore. Sure, I'm still anorexic and hate myself and lack of self esteem and poor body image, but I want to have fun in life. I'm not ready to give Ana up, not at all. Not until I know with myself that I did it. I just want to be able to look in the mirror and say, "Wow, you reached your goal weight. You did it." That, my loves, is all I ever want.

Stay strong, and thin.

HOME for the first time in over a month.

So after the whole tennis camp deal, and going to California, I'm finally home annnnnnnnd 500 pounds heavier because I FUCKING BINGED SO MUCH IN CALIFORNIA and messed up my life. So today after my plane landed I went to my last resort and bought laxatives. I just took five. Ugggggh. I gained like 7 pounds while there and I feel so nasty. I have to be like 125 at most. I hate life. Tomorrow I'm running and restricting and starting over. I will be skinny. I will have control. It's not over, no, it's just now starting. I just have to be strong and stay positive. I'm going to keep this short and sweet. Love you all!
xoxo Ashley

UGH so guess what happened, if you couldn't tell by my reaction, I fucked up. Big time. Last night my stomach went from concave to pregnant. I hate this. Today I got up and ran two miles for about thirty minutes. I did intervals. And when I got back to the house I just had half an apple! Today's going to be a good day. So I hope everyone is doing great! I must have gained about three pounds. Ugh. I love everyone's support and stay strong loves! <3

REGISTER

California until the 21 of August!

Holaaa ladies! I'm at the airport as I type this, and I'm doing it from my phone and the iPhone like doesn't let ne upload pictures? It's weird. ANYWAYS. I'm off to Malibu! We have a family house there and it's going to be just me while my parents go to LA and stay there to work. Haha so I won't have any pressure to eat! Ugh but last night was brutal. My parents kept telling me I was too skinny. No one is too skinny... So she made so much food, but I just had some oatmeal and some grapes. Not too bad? As the numbers get smaller it deffiney is easier to have way more motivation. Isn't it? Ugh I know I can do this. I can be skinny. I will be skinny. Ugh I miss camp and all the counselors and friends I made! The counselors thought I was so mature for only being 15 haha so it was a counselors, Matt's, birthday and they took me out to sushi with them! It was so fun! I just had some edimani or how ever you spell it. But the other kids were mad. Haha but oh well.

I hope everyone is starving and loving it! Stay strong loves<3

118.6!!!!

Okay. So I'm home from camp, and I hadn't eaten in two days. And of course when I get home my mom makes a bunch of food and starts telling me I look too thin and need to eat. UGH. No one will understand. Ever. So I weighed in and I was 118.6! I can't believe this! 0.6 pounds until my SECOND goal weight. That's like two in one because my first was 120. I can't believe this. I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere. But I can't give up now. Not ever. I'm leaving for Malibu, CA tomorrow and I won't be around my parents at all.

Well that's all for now!
Xoxo, Ashley.

Hospitalization.

This is really obnoxious and long.

Sosososooo I lost a LOT. Like WOW people on the tennis courts actually said ew, she's so thin. NOT that it made me want to stop losing, psh, please, it made me want to starve like i've never starved before. So I have been at camp for two weeks so far. Nike Tennis Camp. It's amazing, and my second year, and I met a boy and we hooked up behind the doorm building, weve done it like I don't even know how many times so far. Ahhh he's amazing. His name is Jay Rodman<3 UGH but I'm never going to see him like after this, so hopefully it'll end well this week. I mean I've been with him for three already?

ANYWAYS. Last Wednesday, a week past from today. I fainted on the tennis courts and I hit my head on the water fountain on the way down. I don't remember any of this, but here's what the counselors told me:

I was walking off of the courts, and I was tied up with this kid 6-6 and we were about to do a tie breaker. While walking off, one of the counselors was walking over to ask me how it was going and what the score was so far because she was on a different court, and I fainted and hit the metal water fountain. I woke up, but I fell into a coma about 45 minutes later and the rushed me to the hospital. But before I was back into a coma, I was screaming and pulling my hair and saying that my head felt like it was on fire. So two counselors from the camp took me to the UMASS medical clinic, and thats when I fell into a coma, and then I woke up in the ER about four hours later. It's scary because I don't remember any of this, but I guess I was crying hysterically every time they did a test, or checked for vitals because something in me knew that I was going to get caught. They called my parents and said that I was severely dehydrated and malnourished. Fuck. I'm going back to my hospital when I get home from CA in the end of August. Wish me luck, I'm so scared but I don't know how to tell anyone that I CAN do this.