Laxatives, and the joy's that come with.

So last night I have to admit I was so pissed. I wasn't doing what the laxatives said they do. But about an hour after pouting, I paid. I thought my insides were being ripped apart, then thrown out of my body. When it was over, I felt so empty and lite. I've never felt that way before. Ever. Not even when I fast. It.was.amazing. Anyways, I decided to make up a new "plan" each Sunday night, to mix up the weeks of Anorexia. You know, Ana doesn't want her little angels getting bored now does she...

Breakfast: 2 egg whites scrambled OR half a Nature Valley bar- which is a ton more calories but it depends what my work out will be

Lunch: Until school starts I'll need to eat, but when it does you can find me in the library catching up on needed sleep. Until then:
- small salad OR granola bar

Dinner: Blah. Dinner... Whatever Mom makes, then I'll take laxatives or purge it to get it out. Ew.

Now for the exercise.
During tennis season I'll be playing a lot, about an hour a day and then when I play a match it will be more intense. SO:
Tennis- 60 minutes
Cardio- 30 minutes
Strength- 20 pushups
- 100 sit ups (gradually it will increase)

I just don't understand how people can just eat, like it's nothing, they just grab food when they're bored and don't even think about it. It's disgusting.

This school year is going to be very very different, last year I have to admit I gave up, and ate, and ate, and ate, and fell into a deep depression. A lot. And the thing is, I'm just now realizing that I was not ever happy, never safe, or sane with myself. I was a body filled with no emotion or sense with the world. I had friends, sure, but I honestly didn't care for them at all. I'm learning now to be happy with other things. Obviously not myself. But for my friends if they are successful with something, or a family member, or I can still have fun with my friends or other guys. I'm not a zombie anymore. Sure, I'm still anorexic and hate myself and lack of self esteem and poor body image, but I want to have fun in life. I'm not ready to give Ana up, not at all. Not until I know with myself that I did it. I just want to be able to look in the mirror and say, "Wow, you reached your goal weight. You did it." That, my loves, is all I ever want.

Stay strong, and thin.