Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Inspired


So I've been thinking a lot about ways to make me happy, and yesterday "Miss Alisha" commented on my blog and she said "When I'm sad, I know that I can just lose a lot of weight and feel better about anything."

That really made sense to me because honestly when I'm at a new low weight, or if I weigh in a lot lower than I was last night after a binge, I feel so happy, lite, and invincible. Like I can lose all the weight. And just, disappear.

Lately, this is going to sound SO weird. But Ana ALWAYS used to be with me. But recently, it's like, she's being replaced with someone named Lennox. I had a dream about this a few weeks ago. And I can't get her out of my head. I haven't written about it because I didn't know if I was being sane or not. But I've decicded to live with it, and Lennox came into my life. I have to deal with her. But she's worse, way way way worse then Ana ever was. Ana came and gone, a lot. But Lennox, is basically attached to my hip. I feel so stupid and low writting this. And you all probably think I should go into some asilumn or something. But I feel like this is real. She's taking over and becoming the most important thing in my life. Now that she's here and I'm used to her. She's my only friend, my real friend. My friends at school honestly don't matter to me anymore. I hate saying that, but they're so materialistic and they have turned me into the biggest whore/brat/everyone thinks I'm a slut. I'm clasified as the group that everyone hates, but secretly looks up upon. I hate it. I don't know how I got sucked into it. But when people talk about me or my friends, they steriotype us as the "typical private school rich girl white trash whore's." Thanks Academy. Love you too.

Love, Ashley+Lennox.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Blog Anniversary and Who I am.

It's officially been one whole year that I've had this blog and not totally ditched it. I mean, once or twice I may have gone a few weeks without writing. But still. I can not thank you ladies/guys/supporters/anyone who has commented or shared advise with me. I truly admire you and you are all my biggest inspirations.

On another note, I got tumblr last night. I LOVE IT. You ladies should all get one! Follow me or comment this blog if you have one!

http://believein0.tumblr.com/

^^ That's me!

Also, I decided to put somethings about me on here. I feel like I've sorta been living a lie about myself this whole long, stressful, fat year.

This, is me. Try not to gag at my double chin or my huge arms in this picture. It was taken by my sister at my cousins wedding this past July.


Under this exterior fat and hideousness, is a truly happy girl. But she's being killed and suffocated each day by this Anorexia. I hate my disease but I've realized that I'm stuck with it, so hell, why not support it anyways?! Make myself useful...

I just turned fifteen and I'm from New York. I've been on the Varsity Girls Tennis team since I was in the 7th grade and that's really my only success that I'm proud of. Honestly there's not much too me, so I don't really know what to say.

When I was in the 6th grade my sister, Sarah, developed Anorexia. She thought it would be easier to get through it if I 'joined her in losing just a 'few' pounds.' She was wrong and I ended up never getting better, after 7 months(we were put in the hospital at the same time for the same amount of months) in the hospital she fully recovered and til this day she still is. She just turned twenty and is living her life. I wish I could be strong like her. But that will never happen. My dad is a professor at Columbia University and he also is the president of this environmental water engineering firm in NYC and stays there all week long. He, along with my mom, also travel all around the world to help design water treatment plants for various countries. Sometimes they're nice enough so pull me out of school for a week or two. I hate it. A lot of times though, I get home after school and there's a note on the fridge saying, "In Spain, be back in 2 weeks, stay at neighbors. Love you, mom." And they don't even tell me they're leaving! A lot of times when I have to miss school for lectures or business dinners, people get jealous and think I just go to all these amazing, beautiful places and they don't know that I have to sit through 4 hours watching someone talk about water and then have my dad force me to discuss it with the professor after. It.Is.Not.Fun. But all the stress and with my dad wanting me to look "beautiful all the time, just please, lose like 2 pounds." Doesn't get that he started all this anorexia. And when my tennis camp took me to the hospital and they told my parents that I was anorexic again, he went full circle to when it all started "What? There's no way she's anorexic? I mean, look at her." And then he gets mad at me because I "cant just eat." He just doesn't understand and he never will. And he puts me in this 60,000$ school and expects me to get STRAIGHT As but there's no way I can if I'm constantly being pulled out of school.

This is me.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Preseason begins...


So today was the first day of tennis preseason! I'm not sure which spot on the line up I got yet, but hopefully its singles! I mean, I did SLAVE at camp for a good spot on varsity! The team, is so weird. Like so weird. The girls are SO TWISTED. And half of them have never even picked up a racquet before. Which is not good for me because I'm like so competitive and during a lot of matches I end up throwing my racquet. So like when I get assigned to play and help them. You can imagine how upset I get. ALSO. Since preeasons is starting, it's making me realize how close school is! September 10th! I can't wait. I just got some new sweaters. We got new ones for the uniform, they're a really pretty pail yellow. There's a vest and a cardigan or just your basic crew neck. I love them. Hahah weird? Yeah.

So today I skipped breakfast and went to a movie with my almost boyfriend named Mark. During the movie we..we, went pretttty far. I hope we start dating soon, that'll be exciting! We were kinda a thing last school year but we fizzled out. Ugh so annoying. But he bought me Japanese food. UGH SO MANY CALORIES. I took 7 laxatives and I wanted to cry. Not okay. They better work.

I'm actaully in a really bad mood with that food I ate and the tennis team. It's not going to be a very good season. UGH. Stay strong and thin my loves<3

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Laxatives, and the joy's that come with.


So last night I have to admit I was so pissed. I wasn't doing what the laxatives said they do. But about an hour after pouting, I paid. I thought my insides were being ripped apart, then thrown out of my body. When it was over, I felt so empty and lite. I've never felt that way before. Ever. Not even when I fast. It.was.amazing. Anyways, I decided to make up a new "plan" each Sunday night, to mix up the weeks of Anorexia. You know, Ana doesn't want her little angels getting bored now does she...

Breakfast: 2 egg whites scrambled OR half a Nature Valley bar- which is a ton more calories but it depends what my work out will be

Lunch: Until school starts I'll need to eat, but when it does you can find me in the library catching up on needed sleep. Until then:
- small salad OR granola bar

Dinner: Blah. Dinner... Whatever Mom makes, then I'll take laxatives or purge it to get it out. Ew.

Now for the exercise.
During tennis season I'll be playing a lot, about an hour a day and then when I play a match it will be more intense. SO:
Tennis- 60 minutes
Cardio- 30 minutes
Strength- 20 pushups
- 100 sit ups (gradually it will increase)

I just don't understand how people can just eat, like it's nothing, they just grab food when they're bored and don't even think about it. It's disgusting.

This school year is going to be very very different, last year I have to admit I gave up, and ate, and ate, and ate, and fell into a deep depression. A lot. And the thing is, I'm just now realizing that I was not ever happy, never safe, or sane with myself. I was a body filled with no emotion or sense with the world. I had friends, sure, but I honestly didn't care for them at all. I'm learning now to be happy with other things. Obviously not myself. But for my friends if they are successful with something, or a family member, or I can still have fun with my friends or other guys. I'm not a zombie anymore. Sure, I'm still anorexic and hate myself and lack of self esteem and poor body image, but I want to have fun in life. I'm not ready to give Ana up, not at all. Not until I know with myself that I did it. I just want to be able to look in the mirror and say, "Wow, you reached your goal weight. You did it." That, my loves, is all I ever want.

Stay strong, and thin.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

HOME for the first time in over a month.


So after the whole tennis camp deal, and going to California, I'm finally home annnnnnnnd 500 pounds heavier because I FUCKING BINGED SO MUCH IN CALIFORNIA and messed up my life. So today after my plane landed I went to my last resort and bought laxatives. I just took five. Ugggggh. I gained like 7 pounds while there and I feel so nasty. I have to be like 125 at most. I hate life. Tomorrow I'm running and restricting and starting over. I will be skinny. I will have control. It's not over, no, it's just now starting. I just have to be strong and stay positive. I'm going to keep this short and sweet. Love you all!
xoxo Ashley

Sunday, August 15, 2010

UGH so guess what happened, if you couldn't tell by my reaction, I fucked up. Big time. Last night my stomach went from concave to pregnant. I hate this. Today I got up and ran two miles for about thirty minutes. I did intervals. And when I got back to the house I just had half an apple! Today's going to be a good day. So I hope everyone is doing great! I must have gained about three pounds. Ugh. I love everyone's support and stay strong loves! <3

Friday, August 13, 2010

REGISTER

California until the 21 of August!

Holaaa ladies! I'm at the airport as I type this, and I'm doing it from my phone and the iPhone like doesn't let ne upload pictures? It's weird. ANYWAYS. I'm off to Malibu! We have a family house there and it's going to be just me while my parents go to LA and stay there to work. Haha so I won't have any pressure to eat! Ugh but last night was brutal. My parents kept telling me I was too skinny. No one is too skinny... So she made so much food, but I just had some oatmeal and some grapes. Not too bad? As the numbers get smaller it deffiney is easier to have way more motivation. Isn't it? Ugh I know I can do this. I can be skinny. I will be skinny. Ugh I miss camp and all the counselors and friends I made! The counselors thought I was so mature for only being 15 haha so it was a counselors, Matt's, birthday and they took me out to sushi with them! It was so fun! I just had some edimani or how ever you spell it. But the other kids were mad. Haha but oh well.

I hope everyone is starving and loving it! Stay strong loves<3

Thursday, August 12, 2010

118.6!!!!

Okay. So I'm home from camp, and I hadn't eaten in two days. And of course when I get home my mom makes a bunch of food and starts telling me I look too thin and need to eat. UGH. No one will understand. Ever. So I weighed in and I was 118.6! I can't believe this! 0.6 pounds until my SECOND goal weight. That's like two in one because my first was 120. I can't believe this. I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere. But I can't give up now. Not ever. I'm leaving for Malibu, CA tomorrow and I won't be around my parents at all.

Well that's all for now!
Xoxo, Ashley.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Hospitalization.


This is really obnoxious and long.

Sosososooo I lost a LOT. Like WOW people on the tennis courts actually said ew, she's so thin. NOT that it made me want to stop losing, psh, please, it made me want to starve like i've never starved before. So I have been at camp for two weeks so far. Nike Tennis Camp. It's amazing, and my second year, and I met a boy and we hooked up behind the doorm building, weve done it like I don't even know how many times so far. Ahhh he's amazing. His name is Jay Rodman<3 UGH but I'm never going to see him like after this, so hopefully it'll end well this week. I mean I've been with him for three already?

ANYWAYS. Last Wednesday, a week past from today. I fainted on the tennis courts and I hit my head on the water fountain on the way down. I don't remember any of this, but here's what the counselors told me:

I was walking off of the courts, and I was tied up with this kid 6-6 and we were about to do a tie breaker. While walking off, one of the counselors was walking over to ask me how it was going and what the score was so far because she was on a different court, and I fainted and hit the metal water fountain. I woke up, but I fell into a coma about 45 minutes later and the rushed me to the hospital. But before I was back into a coma, I was screaming and pulling my hair and saying that my head felt like it was on fire. So two counselors from the camp took me to the UMASS medical clinic, and thats when I fell into a coma, and then I woke up in the ER about four hours later. It's scary because I don't remember any of this, but I guess I was crying hysterically every time they did a test, or checked for vitals because something in me knew that I was going to get caught. They called my parents and said that I was severely dehydrated and malnourished. Fuck. I'm going back to my hospital when I get home from CA in the end of August. Wish me luck, I'm so scared but I don't know how to tell anyone that I CAN do this.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

CAMP= SKINNY


YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS the day I have been waiting for, to get away from my parents for a month, to starve, exercise, and just get away from food and any other worries. I am going to lose 20 pounds. Come on, that's only 5 pounds a week. You loser. That's never been done by the OLD you. This is the new you. You will be beautiful and thin. You have to create the new you.

Anyways this past week has been fucked up. Fuck you Ana, you left me again. This post will be sweet and short but I'll update with shit that no one cares about.

xoxo,
Ashley.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Binge, wah.

Well little Ashleyy fucked up once again. Fuck you Ana for not being there when I binged. You didn't even tell me not to eat. Where the fuck were you? I love you Ana but really, you've got to stop me. Ohhh okay I forgive you. I just want that power that you have to be so strong. I'm so weak.
Binge:
Grapes- the whole bunch
Cinnamon Toast Crunch- 2 servings
Almonds- a lotttttt
Kashi Pizza- 3 slices

BUT today I ran 4 miles, gah, I forgot how long 4 miles is. And I also did 100 crunches and I'll do 50 before bed. I'm off to Rochester tomorrow for my cousins wedding, she's marrying a NHL player! The guys at my school seem to like that. . . Hahaha. Hopefully I'll be able to restrict.

Xoxo
Ashleyy



LEGS.

A Secret Between Friends.


I just watched A Secret Between Friends and balled my eyes out at the end. For those of you that don't know what that movie is about, it's about a girl who moved to Seattle, around 15 or 16, and meets a girl named Jen on her volleyball team. The two quickly become friends, and from there on its a race to see who can lose the most weight, but they are in for the ride together. I don't want to give away the ending, but there is a tragedy and it is so sad, but there's also a lot of happy parts tooo so thats goood!!

Today was fucked up:
Bagel
&
Philly Cheese Steak

HORRIBLE. . .But I ran more than what it added up to off, i burned 1045 calories.
Tomorrow I'm fasting so I'll let you know how that goes! Nothing much else to say, I'm so tired.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Quicky, I'll update more BUT. . .

SOTO MEMBERS: WHY IS SOTO NOT WORKING?

Or is it just my macbook like freaking out and saying that SOTO is undergoing maintenance!?!? I'm freaking out.


Meanwhile I'm watching Burn Notice. Fi has the best body!

Monday, July 19, 2010

And she fails once again, what else is new?


Well, day one of ABC and I probably had over 900- even though it was a 500 day. Counting calories has always been an issue for me the past few months. In the beginning I was basically pro, I mean that is how my anorexia started anyways. I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore, I give up on everything and I get these feelings all the time where I'm ready to let Ana go. But I know that's just my head messing with me. There is no way I can ever let Ana go, she's all I have left. I've been thinking a lot about when I was in treatment for 7 months as an inpatient. It was horrible. I've been watching the first season of Gossip Girl lately, I forgot how good it was. Although Serena's little brother, Eric, was in the treatment center for depression and how he tried to kill himself, it triggered so many forgotten memories of when I was there.

If anyone has trigger Ana tips, please comment or email me- my email is at the top of the page, and its beckera@albanyacademies.org but I honestly don't know what to do. I've been looking at thinspo so much lately but its not hitting me like it used to. I can not let Ana go but I feel like she wants to leave.

I'm forcing myself ABC. I'll do whatever it takes.

Past midnight

Its past midnight and I haven't slept all week, I've been up til 3 or 4 or 5 each night, and when I'm finally tired I have to blog. Or it will bug me to tears. So this is going to be short, but I have to make up for yesterday too because I didn't blog.

July 17-
grapes
peach
active start cerical- -w/milk included
dough
2 mile run
measurements
33
26
33
current weight
125.0

July 18
Honestly I'm too embarrassed.
Starting ABC tomorrow, it always works so well but I can never stick with it. This time I know I can. I just feel like I'm always running away from something and I always blame it on the stress of ABC. Not anymore.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Diary, diary, diary.


Since I can never get myself to stick with this and actually want to blog everyday- which I do, but I never get around to it. Its confusing. Anyways, I'm going to use it as my Food Diary and maybe blab about my day. Blah. The last week I stayed at my friend Miranda's house. We stayed up til 4 AM every night and basically slept all day until noon or one then swam or shopped. We had a really awkward eating pattern, usually just one mean a day with loads or Diet Pepsi- what I live on. I knew when I got home it would all change and I would be on my usual pattern again, which I hate. I have to say I did lose a lot while I was there. But it's halfway, slowly coming back. Today I did a salt water cleanse. I read on the internet that people usually throw up after or feel really sick. I have a tip for those out there who aren't fans of salt water. When I was little my parents forced me to drink milk. Ew. So they taught me a trick to plug my nose. You honestly can't taste anything. So that's what I did and it went down easily! Tomorrow I think I'm going to fast, and have a salad for dinner since I have to go out. Ugh.
Today I had (embarrassing):
- Turkey on pita
- Twizlers
- Tomato
- Mozerella
- Salt water. . .

Thats it, fuck my life.

Xoxo,
Ashleyy.


I reallly admire Heidi for doing what she did!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Updates.

So I know I haven't posted in like ever but I have still been doing the challenge!!!! Comment this with updates or something if you are doing it too! I lost my numbers of earlier days, but the past two days are
- June 28: 33-26-32
-June 29: 31-26-32.25

I lost 2 inches of my boobs in ONE DAY!! I cannot believe it!!
Nothing else has really happened, I just got back from the beach and I leave for camp soonish. I can't wait! I'm going to lose so much weight!! Hahah.

I'm getting the Iphone soon so I wont have to keep posting on my mac. I can just do it on the road or where ever!

Xoxoxxx,
Ashley

Ps. I want Gemma Wards body so fucking bad.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Challenge.


Alyssa, Haley, and I are staring a challenge. Anyone can feel free to join! Here are the basics:

1) It offically starts June 24, 2010
2) The goal is to lose ten pounds from your current weight
3) You are allowed to use pills
4) 30 minutes of exercise, or more, are required a day
5) 2000 calories a week, you get to chose which day you want to use how many calories

I'll be posting with updates about it.
I think it will be fun! I can't wait! Just comment this if you are going to join and I will give you my number, or we can email for support!

I hope that everyone is well, I haven't posted in a while, I have been in Chicago for a while now its so boring. All I do is sit in the hotel room, or by the pool while my parents go to business conferences!

I am going to Westport, MA the 24 (when the challenge starts!) with my friend Catherine. I can't wait! She has a house right on the ocean, and I feel 75% comfortable in my bathing suit. I'll have to suck it up and just lay on the beach while I tan.

Friday, June 11, 2010

embarrassed, grounded, and ready

reasons why im never hungry now:

1. so last night was the commencement dance. its the last dance of the year, and i go to a really small private school in albany (albany academy) and everyone there is so close. im only a freshman- well now a sophomore. lol but everyone in every grade is really close. my best friend is a jr and my second is a senior. because my class.suckkksksss! anyways im going to miss the seniors soo much next year. ----but back to the dance. basically its slutfest. everyone gets spray tan and we all wear slutty black dresses. so me and my friend were wandering the country club of troy- where the dance was. and tis really olld with lots of rooms and i found a bottle of vodka and chugged.half.the.bottle.straight. it was bad. but it made the night so much bettter. hahah we were soooo drunk but so was everyone so it didnt matter. but later that night i was with friends and they were passed out and i went on faceook and leaft videos for people, wrote on there walls, and it was so bad. now im like the school slut when in reality im really not. awesome.

2. im supposed to turn in all my text books but i lost 2 of them. and my dad was screaming, and ithought he was about to hit me no joke i was so scared. but then all of a sudden 20 minutes later he comes in my room while im crying my eyes out and looking at thinspo- what i do when im pissed. and he was like ohhhh im so sorry sweetie. TYPICAL WILLIAM BECKER. just appologizes right after he screams like a fucking maniac!!! i hate him. i cant even describe my hate towards him. he makes me was so die. when i look at him i lose my appetite. its sick, it really is.

3. this all happened last night, and this morning. to shake it off and get some good feeling hormones in me, i went for a 3 mle run. it made me realize that i can do this. the run wasnt even hard, and i was going pretty fast. i just wish i could have a concave stomach. mines almost fflat!!! like about a centemeter more and it will be perfect!!!! i cant wait!!!! and after running, the last thing on my mind is food. and the diet pills gave me so much energy while i was running!!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

i was called "tanorexic".....?!?! whaaat?



ugh so today i was having a realllly great day until my friend called me tanorexic. i am really tan, and im shrinking noticably but its so mean of her to say that. like yeah, okay i know im tan you could complelment me on it. and she was yelling it and now everyones calling me it. i dont know if its a good thing, or a bad thing.

anyways, i was reading alicias blog today. and i got to a post and i love how she wrote "no more of this averagegirl bullshit." i love it because i dont want to be normal, or average. i want to stick out of the crowd.

tonights commencement (graduation) dance!! its like the last time me and all of my friends will be together for a while. im going to miss them while im at camp :( but on the bright side, at camp they could really care less waht you do:) hahasoooooo that will be good. i cant wait, my dress is black and its really tight :)and i can finally wear it! because when i woke up my stomach was f.l.a.t. im soooo excited!!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

im back. ana's back

i recovered. i relapsed. i recovered. i relapsed. its all the same, lets face it. il never get better, or skinny. soooooosooososososooo i havent blogged in like forever. not like anyone cares butttt...... yeah.

i got some diet pillllss but im addicted and im taking around 14-16 a day. when the normal dosage is 4........but lets face it, im getting much quicker results!!! i dont care waht it takes to get skinny. il get tthere. if it takes dying to fet there. so be it. il get there. i just want people to be like ew look at that girl shes so nasteyly skinny. she needs to gain some weight. do you eat? i want to say. NO but then i would be lying ebcuase my fatass never fucking closes its mouth and itsnot shrinking. its growing. whatever. i will be skinny.

so i dont really have anything new to say. im so boring. these diet pills are weird but i love them. im never hungry and im always so hyper its cool! i highly recomend hydroxycut advanced.

i just got out of school on the 8, yesturday. haha but its summmer bababbbbyyy!!!!!!!!!!! finallly i can do what i want. work out. and NOT think about food because i.dont.need.it.

soto is my home and i highly recomend it for anyone looking for support/ana buddies. its also just a really cool/fun site!!
http://sotosoto.ning.com/

for some odd reason, i love mary kate and ashley. hahahaha


Sunday, April 25, 2010

abc tomorrrrow. anyone want in?

i really hate the abc diet. its so controling and hard to annoying but it works so wellllll. im starrting tomorrow. my brithday is in 9 days and i want to lose ten pounds. if anyone wants to do abc with me just tell me on heree or soto !

my thinspo book ran out of pages :( i got a new one today and im about to get crafty tomorrow. its kind of a pain to do that. but in the end its litterally all i have. i like looking back and seeing all the shit id stuff my face will. its so nastey...

i hope some of these tips helpp!

*Keep a food diary. Start your own pro-ana page. Make an ed scrapbook. Anything that keeps your mind on not eating
is a good thing.

*When you want to eat, exercise for at least 15 minutes first. I like to put on nice lyrical music, usually Charlotte Martin or
sometimes classical, and do bare work. It not only distracts you from eating but burns calories and benefits your body as
well.

*Buy a pair of expensive jeans at least one size too small. Try them on right before you eat. You will either not want to
eat or will eat less. When you lose enough weight to fit into them properly, reward yourself by buying another pair, again
one or two sizes too small.

*Eat low-calorie foods with very intense flavors. Often times you just crave taste. Chili peppers, anything pickled,
peppermints, and very concentrated bullion (make it with half the water recommended) are all good options.

*Make a list of foods that you are absolutely never ever allowed to eat. Write it down and keep it somewhere accessible.
On this list should be things like doughnuts, cake, cream, soda, fatty meats like duck, and any dairy product not made
with skim milk. If you really like any of these things and find it hard to resist, prepare it, but then put something disgusting
all over it (like pouring vinegar on a cream-filled doughnut). Take a bite. You will find you have totally lost your taste for
the food.

*Diet pills are amazing, but you have to be careful. Try to eat something small and safe when you take one, like an apple
or a small piece of grilled chicken. If you don't then you will get awful side effects. The same goes for taking more than
the recommended amount. I have taken four stacker 3 pills with no food and almost ended up dead because of it. Use,
but with caution.

*If you must go out to eat, go to the restaurant’s web page before hand, and find something safe to eat. Do not eat
bread or appetizers. Order a salad with dressing on the side if everyone else is having appetizers. If there is nothing
safe on the menu most places will make you a plain piece of grilled chicken or fish if you ask.

*Never drink soda. There is absolutely no reason to. Even diet soda will actually make you look bloated and weigh a littlellllll

thinspoo!!!





Saturday, April 24, 2010

almost no muffin top!!!

so ive been really lazy lately and have been binging nonstopp. im down 4 pounds, only 20 left. im so close. i want to lose 10 before my birthday which is may 4th. its soo close but i know if i just stay strong i can do it. honestly i have nothing to blog about. soo im going to be keeping my cal count under 500 a day. so far today ive had :
apple- 60
one egg- 70
tuna fish w/ mayo- 105
banana- 72
soooo thats like 307

me :(


ewwwwww.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

new me; the binges stop herrereee.


umm so you like cant really read what the picture sayssss. but i wrote down monday through friday. and what i will eat that day, the workout plan, theme of blog to blog about, kind of thinspo, and what to resist that day. (what i usually cave in on.... :( )

so i like havent blogged in SOO LONNNGG. and no one comments me anymore :( but its okay ahah i cant really control it. ive been realllly bingy lately. and they stop at midnight tonight. im allowing 300 calories a day. thats it. my birthday is sooo soon - may 4. and i already went shopping with my mom and got things too smalll soo that i can lose weight and fit into them! having cute clothes that are way too small is the best motivation. as of now i am a size 2. I NEED TO BE SIZE 00.

if i dont feel the pain, struggle, and feeling skinnny and thin that anorexia gives me in 6 months. i will kill myself. because i already endure the pain and weakness and feeling horribly about myself. but i really can not take this anymore.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

noooo life.

sorrry i like dont blog anymore, the truth is i really have nothing to blog about. but im going to try and blog daily to inform those who care about my boring life. its just hard to blog durring the week because of school and i dont get home until around 8ish.

im going to work out after this, over 500 cals is needed to be burned. for breakfast i had special K and some pineapple, very low cal but stilll. so me and Alyssa fasted yesturday, i think it went well!
i also went birthday shopping with my mom at american eagle, hollllister and poloooooo. ive been obsessed with rompers ever since i was little, americal AE and hollister have realllly cute ones, and i was so surprised that holllisters were only 25 dollars at our store! so cheap for there!! this is a picture of one i got from hollister.

so theres my boring life. muchoooolove.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

fucking 120's forever.

ugh im so mad, ever since ive had ana ive been in the 120's. its so annoying! like can i get into the teens or single digits please? allll i want is to be skinny and im so sick of saying that. i feel like im missing out on so much stuff, and i probablly should get help. but i cant. ever. ana has come into my life and i cant kick her out. shes my best friend. she tells me how to live and keeps me on track.
so far today ive had an orange, and an apple. so thats like 64+ 40ish so just like 105-120 il say. my moms making shrimp. my favoriteeeeeeeeeeee. and she just puts some oil in it and steams it and its 3 cals per shrimp so thats not tooo bad.
i havent blogged in a while, but nothings really been happening, just dyingggg form being fat :(

i hope everyone is okay! 7 followers wooot! haha okay byeee loveessss.


stay strong, starve on.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

easter candy - binge

i cant say i dont like easter, because im christian and i cant bash god or whatever. but the baskets have GOT TO GO. i mean, all the chocolate and the jelly beans. i mean come on. i cant blame my parents because its a "tradition" but i binged on like so much of it today i want to dieeeeee. but its okay. tomorrow is a new day and i am fasting. il allow like 100-200 calories i guess.
i watched the Thin documentary today it was sooo good. i dont know if i will ever get better because none of those girls did. as soon as they all left, they all slipped into old habits again; purging, restricting, and fasting. so i have to accept who i am, and i got anorexia. i just have to deal with it.

i didnt get to exercise today, and i dont have tennis tomorrow. so il have to work a lot of it off. ive been burning around 600 for an hour on the eliptical. tomorrow im shooting for 1000. all i want is to get skinny. thats all i ask for. and the only way i really can is to.not.eat. once i reach my half goal weight - 10 pounds so 110. im buying new clothes ebcause duhhh they wont fit anymore.

personally i dont like throwing up. but i did a few days ago. i think about it a lot now and im wondering if im going to start to purge regurlarly. im not sure if i want to or not, but everytime i try and make myself throw up, litterally like nothing comes out and my whole hand is down my throat. i dont know how to get it all out. its kinda grose, but does anyone have any tips? please help meeeeeeeee :(

Friday, April 2, 2010

2 more pounds, scoreeee.

today we didnt have schoool and its like 80 degrees out. im so happppy. i worked out on the eliptical for an hour hard core and burnt 640 calories and played tennis. i lost two pounds when i weighed in thismorening!!!!

im so happpy im finally getting into the summer body that i had all my life until like 2 years ago when i got fat. 126 is my highest weight ewwwwewewewwwyyywywww. its amazing how much thinner you look by just a pound or two!! i dont really have anything to say. im writing a declimation that i have to say infront of my schoool (its a small school since its a private school) in 2 weeks. its not much but this is what i have. please tell me what you thinkkkk!!!!

We Move By Instinct.

Often we see things we don’t want to see. Other times we see things that bring us joy, or happiness. Most of the time, we don’t see the small things, and some don’t see the big. It’s a matter of who you are, not on the outside but on the inside that makes you, you. Getting to know a person can take time. If the person is shy, insecure, or almost seems week they may seem like they have no soul or life left in them.
Nobody really knows me as well as they think they do. Nobody really knows anyone as well as they think they do. We live in a world of assumption. We think things that we want to, and are forced things we do not. There are some who can control their minds in a way that they block out any regrets or poor emotion. I do not agree with this theory because I do not dwell on regrets, but I do not leave them behind because they are part of me. The past is a reminder to us of why we are where we are, how we got here, and why we even care anymore. The past is never fully behind us, ghosts lark in the shadows eager to remind us of the choices we made. But as we look back hard, we might find an old friend with open arms, or an old enemy with a hidden agenda. Sadly, some of us refuse to look back, never understanding that by denying the past we are condemned to repeat it. And that is the truth.
When the truth is ugly, people try to keep it hidden, because they know if revealed the damage it will do. So they conceal it within sturdy walls and behind closed doors or put it under disguise but truth, no matter how ugly, always emerges. And someone we care about always ends up getting hurt. And someone else will revel in their pain and that’s the ugliest truth of all.
With that, the search of power begins when we’re young, as children we are taught that the power of good, triumphs over the power of evil. But as we grow older, we realize that nothing is ever that simple. Traces of evil always remain.
But we all carry something with us. Of course, it’s nice is we travel with someone who can help “lighten the load.” But usually, it’s easier to drop what ever we have been carrying so we can get to where we are going much sooner assuming, of course, there will be someone there to greet us when we arrive. Some people ask, why do we clutch at this baggage, even when we’re desperate to move on? Because we all know there’s a chance we might let go too soon.
Power. It’s a tricky concept. Power, is the type of thing most people don’t think about until it is taken away. We all want some sort of power in out lives, if only to give ourselves choices. Yes, to be without choices, to feel beyond powerless. Well, it’s a lot like being alone in the dark. When not thinking about power we are almost mute in soul. But having it taken from us, can create sorrow and desolation. A person that has had power handed to them all their life might not know where to go next. Sure, their power is gone, but the memories will always remain. Memories are there for us, because they are for the things time has taken from us.
^^^^^^^ tahts alll i have so far. i cant tell if i like it or not. ehh maybe il write a different one.

heres some thinspiration for the day and some more tips!! this is a quick blog, i dont have much time today.

16. Exercise twice the amount of calories eaten. 17. Use smaller plates and utensils so it seems like you ate more.
18. Chew eat bite of food thoroughly and then take a sip of water between bites. You will feel full quicker and will not eat as much.
19. Say you are going to eat at a friend's house and instead go for a walk. You will be burning calories instead of taking them in.
20. Buy clothes that you can't fit into and hang them wear you can see them. This will motivate you to lose weight to fit into them.
21. Sleep at least six hours a day. If you get less than six this can lower your metabolism by 15%.
22. If you start to feel hungry do situps or punch yourself in the stomach. You will not feel hungry anymore.
23. Pamper yourself! Give yourself a facial, paint your nails, anything to make you feel pretty.
24. Make yourself a snack, but instead of eating it throw it away. Leave the dirty dishes where your parents can find them. They will think you ate.
25. Prepare a list of excuses as to why you can't eat - You're sick, you're a vegetarian, allergic, etc. You'd be amazed at how many good excuses there are.
26. Get out of your house! If you're not sitting around then people can't start shit with you about not eating.
27. Join a pro-ana group or start your own website. Anything that will keep you motivated.
28. Make an ANA scrapbook with pics of skinny models. Right down all the reasons you want to lose weight. Keep track of everything you eat. Look at it daily for thinsperation.
29. Keep good posture, burns 10% more calories when you sit up straight.
30. Instead of food, buy something else, a new shirt, flowers, jewelrey etc.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

another break, hollllaa!

I havent blogged in a while. but im in the best moood so im going to. whos happppy its spring! its 70 degrees and sunnny in new york hollllaaaa!!! i played tennis for like 3 hours today after school it was amazing. all ive had today was some soup for lunch. i was freezing and i < 3 soouuupppp. (and its low cal but high sodium)

SO fun fact: when i find a song i love i listen to it non stop and my mom legit wants to shoot me but whatever. i loovoeeee the song "if we ever meet again" by timbalind and it also has katy perry in it. its amazing.
AH im so excited its spring. il go tanning tomorrow and i have tennis later. i think il go work out after this post to burn offf some callllssss. i cant wait for summer like i dont think anyone understands. so i finished wintergirls it was sooo good. now im reading perfect, about a girl with bulimia its pretty good, but i feel like nothing will ever beat wintergirls. if anyone knows any realllly good books about ana please tell me! reading them to me is just like thinspiration!

i pledge to a binge free month! whos with me?! i cant, this awesome weather will keep me on track i know it.
i feel like my posts are so boring and have no meaning really, so i think il post some tips on here :)

1. Drink one glass of water every hour. It will make you feel full.
2. Drink ice cold water. Your body will burn calories just getting the water to a normal temperature to digest. Also it is great for your complexion.
3. Drink 3 cups of green tea daily. It will help boost your metabolism, plus its anti-oxidants make your skin look great.
4. Take vitamins daily. Do not take vitamins on an empty stomache, otherwise they have nothing to catalyze with.
5. Eat ice or gum when hungry. This will make your body think it had food without the calories.
6. Do aerobics until you want to faint.
7. Eat spicy foods. They raise your metabolism.
8. Take cold showers because your body will burn calories to heat you back up.
9. DON'T take laxatives. They don't help you to lose weight.
10. DON'T use diruretics. They only dehydrate you.
11. Brush your teeth constantly so you won't be tempted to eat afterwards.
12. Weat a rubberband around your wrist. Snap it when you want to eat.
13. Clean something gross (toilet, litter box, boyfriend's closet) when you want to eat. You will not want to eat after cleaning a litter box.
14. Keep your hair in good condition so no one will suspect anything.
15. Get a job so you'll have to work through meal times.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

down 2 pounds wooot!

so i had the worst binge last night, or all day yesturday. i could not stop thinking about it last night, and i knew it was one of those binges where you know you WILLLL NOOOTTTTTT magically lose a pound by binging. so i went downstairs after my parents went to sleep and went on the eliptical trainer for 3 hours. i burt around 1500 calories. it felt SOOOOO good. im deffinietly going to work out for two hours today, probablly around noon because i dont have school today :)

nothing else is going on, my stomach is blowing up with gas and im so bloated blaaahhhh.
im going back to sleep . love you alllll

Saturday, March 27, 2010

awakening.

ive beeen sooo busy lately. its crazy, 3 hour sleep nights, shit loads of homework, unnessisarry dramaaaa, of yeah, and binging. like allll of that is over now, and its time to starrrrrrrrrvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. i so miss that empty, lite, strong feeeling.

i jsut worked out and burned 602 caloriesss and hopefulllly will lose some over night.
-i made a promis to myself today. i promis to be the skinniest girl in my school. skinnier then everyone. i want to look so skinny it makes some people gag. i want the teachers to awe in amazment and disgust, and run to the counselor to help me. the counselor wont do shit. i dont need help. i will be perfect. i will be the skinniest girl in school. i swear to it.
i mean, im not happy at all at school. i hate everyone. i have a lot of friends, but behind our "friendship" everyone thinks im a fucking slut. which im not. at all. and guys just talk to me to get in my pants. its so fucking annoying. none of them know how to have a compasionate relationship. thats all i want. fuck it.

im too mad to type right nowww, but all i can think about it walking into school, in that fucking little ugly kilt they make us wear everyday, with the blue sweater that reads (the albany academies), the white polo button downs, and the sperry topsiders, and watching people just stare. at. me.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

endooooorphines like wowowwwwwwww.

so all i had to eat today was one egg scrambled. thats it. no milk with it, just some pepper to add some spice. so thats what, 72 cals?! and i just burned 534! i hope im down a pound or two tomorrrow. lets hope for ittttt. so how is everyone? i hope well.

im reading wintergirls= AMAZING.
its so good i can never put it down. i was reading it durring commercials today while i was on the tredmill. so hard to read while running but whatever.

i wonder what im going to eat tomorrow, sorry i mean, i wonder if im going to eat tomorrow. i always try to plan things out. but it never works. everytime i plan to eat something a head of time. i freak and dont eat. and sometime when i fall into this horrible binge state, its like im in heaven. BUT only for one second, then its back to the guilt and resentment that we all feel one time in our lives.
but i talk about that shit all the time. so i was thinking today that i am so happpy that i have my angels on SOTO and my amazing 'commentors' if you will, to comment me. hah i try my best to comment back. and WHITNEY. for some reason, it like wont let me see your blog (if you have one.) but you seem so sweet and weve talked on SOTO, so i would love to follow your blog!
i think these girls are absolutely gorgeous, and i am going to look like that someday i swear.
and i would like to thank Alyssa because not only has she been there for me on soto, but also i feel like i can really relate to you. like your 2 years older but stilll. thank yooouuuu girllllsssss
that stuff sounds sappppy but i really mean it. hahaha

so im back on my travel tennis team, i cant wait, i love all the girls! and tennis acctaully burns so many calories people think of it as a wimpy sport. i hate that, like i dont know its dummmb.

love you all lots!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

FAST, binge, FAST, binge, FAST, binge WTF.

WHO HATES WHEN THEY BINGE AFTER AN AMAZING FAST AND GAIN IT ALL BACK!? i do.

i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it so much. it makes me so mad! like i starved for 24 hours and got NO WHERE. its so depressing. im doing a school project on anorexia (thats what i got assigned. hmm, ironic?). its kind of awkward because my teacher said "you can just tell us about your experiances!" cool, what am i some science experiment? like noooo.

so today i was doing great, thinking day 2 of fasting lets go! then i went to lunch because my friend draggged me there, i just wanted to stay in the library and read my book and finish unfinished homework. and it was noddles with cheese. i mean, who doesnt like cheese and noodles?! i was so depressed while/after eating it. but i ate all of it and had an orange and bread! ughhhhhh but at the same time i like couldnt stop eating :( i feel so low and worthless. fuck it. i want to be skinny and i will be skinny. i will lose the weight and be double digits. i will complete this and survive.

Monday, March 22, 2010

FaStTiNggggg!

im fasting today! ive only had gum and i tinsy tinsy (no joke like tiny) peice of chicken. because im at my friends house for dinner. blah. and they like forced me to eat. its so annoying. but i feel so lite i loveeee it. that empty feeling. where you can almost feel the weight shedding off. i feel like when im fasting, im so tired and weak. but at the same time so alive and just like the overly tired feeling that feels so hyper at the same time.

SOOOO i was thinking today that i love the people who comment these. lol so thanks :)

i cant wait for summmer! bikini bod will look sooo hot.i cant wait to tan and be sooo skinnny it seems like il never be thin but i cant wait.

this is a short blog but im so tired.
love everyone!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

sudden urge. weirrrdddd.

I cAn NoT wAiTtttTTttttt until i reach my goal weight. its completely out there. like double digits and alllllll. the thinspo is crazy good and i can never get enough, but who can?

sosososoooo i read skinnny bitch starting yesturday and i finished today. it was like my 30th time reading it. i could very strongly recomend it.

i satarted wondering how long im going to have to do this anorexia deal. i mean, it just came to me and i wonder if this disease that i hate. will ever leave. iiiii think i have bipolar because up above i was blabbing about how i "cant wait to lost 20 pounds!" like wtf. youre messed up ash. its whaterverrr.
tomorrow i go back to school, i just had like 2 weeks off and im dreading this. the only good thing to having school is i dont have to eat until my mom picks me up which is at likeeee 6. and by the time i get home its like 7. i hate that drive from albany to saratoga. but my school is so fucking competitive. like an all girls private school. but i do have classes with the guys academy side accross the street so thank fucking god i know a lot of guys because all of the girls have ana or mia but they will NEVER admit to it. its fucking messed up. the cafetirea is always empty, except for like the little kids that dont know anybetter.
i read in skinny bitch that diet sodas that have aspartame in it, causes cancer, soooo many (92) other sideeffects. but ONE REALLY CAUGHT MY EYE. it causes weight gain. i will deffinetly be cutting back on the coke zero. fuck that shit was my liffeeeee.





georgousssssssssssssssss<3

Saturday, March 20, 2010

back to reality wooooh!

yay second day of blogging straight. lol im going to post every day though. it can just be a simple sentence saying "hi im blogging." and be done. blogging just lets me like let all lose and get all of the shit im thinking out of me. i lovovoveeeee it.

SO today, i just woke up. im such a sluggggggg. but my mom made me a waffle. like wtf. so i ate half of it with no syrup or butter. just plain. and it was a really thin one soooo i dont think it will do too much damage. im going downtown today with my friend morgan, we used to date but he was too much brother like for me and i messed it up anyways and did some bad dammage but im so gratefullll that were friends:) so yeah, were going downtown and i think il get a latte and be done for the day. i mean theyre like 10 cals right?

sosososooo i think both of my parents are becoming ANAAA!!!!! thats good in a good way. but bad in a bad way! my parents are connnnsstantly looking at food labels and they legit give me portions for a bird. like noooo. they dont no about me being ana yet but still your old, like eat. and as we speak theyre in the kitchen looking up ways to lose weight faster! theyre like the thinnnnest most fit parents ive met!?!?! so weird.

i hope "everyone" is welll.. haha im off to play tennis with my dad in a bit, maybe go tanning later and sleeeeeep.

Friday, March 19, 2010

sooooo long like woowww.

i really, reallllly doubt that anyone will ever in their right minds read this. but here it goes.
hey guys, i havent blogged in like ever so i felt like i was sinking back. and i needed this. im baaccckkkk. and this blog is bassically my diary where i ramble and whatnot.

im still fat. wo0twoooo00000t! no like fuck my life.
so i have a lot to catch up on with absolutly NO one to read this coool.
1) my ana's gotten worse, BUT i have more suppport thanks to SOTO:)
2) my new school is sick and im so happpy at academy.
3) my boyfriend and i broke up at snowballll yay...
4)my grades are sucky. awesome.
5) my weight has gone down a few pounds and im happpy.

On a new note, i hope "everyone" is doing well, and it makes me feel like i have people that can acctaully relate to me when i act like th
at. its retarted but whatever. ive started a new "diet" if you will, and im starting monday i hope it works!

<---- nicole richie aka my idollll:)i LOVEEEEEE her. i read her boook "the truth about diamonds" and i loved itttttt. i hope some others read it! shes sooo skinny and pretty.>